Much delayed, but better late than never. Here is the story behind baby #4. Its long. More than you want or need to know, but for my memory sake its all in here and if you reading it you agreed to the crazy ride. :)
Let go back to about November of last year. I was struggling. I wont lie. I was just having a hard time breastfeeding and I honestly think I had some depression going on. I ran away to see my brother and sister in law in Wisconson and loved every minute of it. They helped me find comfort in that it was ok for me to quit breastfeeding and I left their home feeling much better. Rested, Relaxed, and Happy. I decided then I would continue to breastfeed till the new year and then be done. I was already having to supplement because my supply was so low (probably from my stresses im sure, now looking back)
So Chirstmas came and went and I wanted to just be done. I was not feeling well, I honestly was unhappy. Ill admit it now. I felt so emotional and felt helpless that I was feeling that way for no apparent reason. So Jan 1 I was done. I quite breastfeeding call my dr and begged for birth control (something I have not been on since 2 months into my marriage) I don't have a cycle unless I am on birth control and felt at this time if I could only get my hormons in line id feel better. My nurse cousiled me to give my body 6 weeks from stopping breastfeeding to start on my own. I agreed, reluctantly. In the next 6 weeks I became more sensitive crying for no good reason, feeling overwhelmed and not feeling the greatest but not being able to pinpoint what I was feeling. I called my nurse, she said wait 2 more weeks. Then they would force a cycle and give me birth control. One week later I lost it. I was miserable. I called and begged. Seriously. Begged. She told me to go get a blood HCG test to make sure I wasn't prego and then they would start my cycle so I could start birth control. I might have thrown a small tantrum on the phone, told her that's stupid. I cant get pregnant on my own and she knows that. And to give me the pills. She so nicly told me I had to take some form of test, so go get a dollar store urine test and take it, and she would send the RX over. That is what I did.
This was over Valentines Day and while we were in Richfield me and Brandon grabbed a cheap test and brought it home. I forgot to take the test Sunday and Monday was a holiday and I slept in and forgot again. Tuesday came and I got up took the test, jumped in the shower. Was getting ready and happened to glance down at the test I took and ignored to see a thick DARK positive. WHAT!! I died a little. I still don't know what I felt in that first moment. Total shock. Panic. Unbelief. Excitement. Mostly unbelief. I then decided to break my #1 rule and ran to the local Family Dollar store and bought a pregnancy test. Yes, I had to wait till I had a gap in daycare kids comeing. and yes, I had to strap 6 kids into my van to make this emergency trip. I ran in, swallowed my pride as the checker, who knows me and knows how old my baby is, looks at me smiles and rings it in. Bless her for not saying anything. I might have lost it and melted to the floor. Im sure she was thinking "oh my heavens this woman is having another baby!!"
I came home and took 2 of the 3 tests that were in the box. And decided the fact that the positive line would show up before the test control line, I must most definatly be pregnant. I called my nurse in a panic. She was so excited. Told me to get a blood HCG and they could see how far along I was. I called a friend and asked if she would tend for me for a few minutes while I ran to the hospital. She was the first to know. Because she could tell something big was up and I was in no mental stability to lie or come up with a lie.
My nurse calls and she says, "your numbers are really high!" Your either 11/12 weeks pregnant or pregnant with twins." Me: "how on earth could I be 11 weeks pregngnt with #4 and not know!!" Cindy, "ya, im going with the twins theory." Me: "WHAT!"
Pure whole Panic until Thursday when I went up north for an ultrasound.
I told Brandon in his bowl of chili that night at dinner. I wrote "ready or not #4 is on its way!" in permanent marker in the bottom of his bowl. Watching him find it and it process might have been my favorite moment of that day and many days afterwards. He was so excited. Real, true, excitement. (and then there was me a huge panic, stressed mess)
Thursday finally came. I layed down on the ultrasound bench and told her before anything just tell me how many. I need to know how many. After she reassured me there was only one and that I was 11.5 weeks along I could breath easier.
From then on it was shocking every morning. I had thought before I found out that I could feel "something" diffnerent in me. Ya, I was feeling a miracle moving around fluttering like a butterfly trying to make his precents known. Each time I felt him I was exctited and scared to death. Strange really. When we found out I wouldn't be able to get pregngnat without fertility treatments we both said how exciting and amazing it would be if it ever happened without. We never prevented pregnany and never honestly thought it would happen. I wanted to be as excited as I anticipated I would be, but honestly I was too stressed out. I had huge plans to loose lots of weight and get healthy before I had another baby. That's part of the reason I wanted to quit nursing. I wanted to focus on me and dieting and not worry about my milk supply and eating enough to keep it up. That was now so far out of reach. I was depressed. I wont lie. I didtn really see it happeneing until Chase helped me recognize it. And at that point I knew I needed to make a change. I needed to accept this, I needed to be happy, I needed to get back on track and take care of my family. I was in a dark unhappy place. I refuse medications. Chase told me to talk to my dr about my options, but medications wasn't an option I was ok with or felt was nessacary. After my appointment I decided that it was really a lack of sleep that was at the base of all this unhappiness and depression. My dr said I could take a half Unisom and see if that helped. One week of that and I was up and running. I was happy and could make dinner and care for my husband and kids again. I felt like my prayer was ansuwerd. The prayer that I didn't even utter. My desperate plea for sanity came from my loving brother, who knows me well enough to know I was struggling 100's of miles away. He saved me.
From then on life has been busy and full of surprises. I asked my nurse to peek at what it was when I was 19 weeks along. She did, and it was a girl. I only ever wanted one girl to spoil rotten as I was. But over then next 5 weeks I got really excited Brooklyn would have a sister.
Then at my big ultrasound with a real ultrasound tech, who just happens to be one of the best of the best. Assured us it was most defiantly a BOY! What! NO! I just accepted that it was a girl and was excited! So many surprises with this babe. He is keeping it real, that's for sure.
And now, I just found out today that I dont have gestational diabetes like I have for the last 2 pregnancy's. Miracle. The likelihood of that is so unlikely. I'm being blessed over and over.
A little more about this baby boy wiggling around...
-He is s wiggler. I feel him and have since before I knew he was in there at 10 weeks or so.
-He is low. During all my ultrasounds he is flat down against my poor bladder that Parley abused so badly just a year ago. My whole stomach is low. Nice for breathing and heartburn. Bad for bladder and low back pain. :)
-His brother and sister love him already. They kiss my tummy, talk to him, sing to him, pat him, and get a little annoyed with how much room he is taking up on mommy's lap. :) Kyler is so interested in how big he is this week, what vegetable or fruit is he (thanks to baby centers comparisons)
-He might be nameless. Mommy and Daddy are having a hard time coming up with names. As of today the top two I like are Blake and Brig. Actually there is a whole list of names I like, but Daddy is kinda picky. :) Brookie told me the other day we need to name him Bathtub and then he will always be clean! Kyler likes Darrin (don't ask I don't know where it came from)
-He is growing just like he should and im getting so excited to hold him. I see all these newborns around right now and I get so excited to have another one. Hopefully Parely walks before he is born...that's my only concern right now with having two so close.
In the end this baby is a pure miracle and blessing. I like to think Uncle Jake got up to heaven and sent the next one right down. He loved babies and im sure just wanted me to have this one right then to show me he was up there and watching over us. I could think of a less life changing and stressful way to show me, but alas this baby is a perfect reminder that I can do hard things. If my Father in Heaven trusts me that I can do it, I can. I will. And we will be stronger and better for it.
Cant wait to meet you my baby.
